Children's Ministry, What the Heck was I thinking?!

>> Thursday, March 18, 2010

I came across the following post here while looking for engorgement and resources in finding Children's Ministry volunteers. This brightens my day and was too funny not to share. If you have ever worked in Children's Ministry its a must read...if you are thinking about working in Children's ministry....DO NOT READ THIS, it may cause you to run screaming from someone like me looking for help in showing the love of Jesus to children. 
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones

Most of us write up and use pretty basic rules for Children’s Church: Don’t talk, keep your hands to your self, participate, limit bathroom use, blah, blah blah. I’m finding that those just aren’t cutting it these days. There are so many issues that the basic rules just don’t cover. I suggest we add the following to our policies and procedures manuals immediately!

Rules I Wish I Could Use:For Kids
*You shall not turn your Sunday School papers into airplanes or roll them into weapons.

◦If we have drums, you are not allowed to play them. Ever. If you do we will cancel your next birthday.

◦Do not groan after my movie video clip illustration is over.

◦The answer to every question I ask is not “God”.

◦Please thank your parents on our behalf for buying you a cell phone… right after you tell them you lost it.

◦Knock, knock jokes are banned for life.

◦Understand this: Even though I don’t have your birthday and age memorized… I still love you!

◦Please tell your friends we have bibles and coats here at the church… free gifts from all of you who have left yours here.

◦Nobody stole your socks.

◦Please stay completely still and quiet during worship but move around and talk as much as you want during the sermon.

◦Prayer requests are not a chance to tell a story.

◦If your grandmother is dead… there’s really no reason to pray for her… again.

◦Offering goes in the plate… not in the coke machine after service.

◦Please explain to we leaders how you fit all that stuff in that tiny pink purse.

◦Keep your dangum shoes on girls!

For Parents
◦Parent’s are required to get angry when they arrive late for check-in. We’re only open for an hour after all… only 30 minutes shorter than the service itself… I’d be angry too!

◦Parent’s must pick up their children within 15 minutes of the end of service. Those who don’t will have their children given to someone who will raise them properly.

◦Deadlines apply to everyone… except you. You’re special.

◦Please don’t act like you’re doing us a favor my dropping off your child. It’s not a problem for me… but some of these folks feel a little under appreciated when you act that way.

◦By all means, fill up a van full of kids, bring them to church and then refuse to volunteer!

◦Offering goes up one dollar for every minute you are late to church.

◦Those papers we send home… they’re useful… and not just as replacement floor mats in the minivan.

◦I know your kid is perfect… like you… but we still need him to stop stabbing others.

◦Thanks for your donation… but the homeless don’t like cans of pepper hulls either.

For Volunteers
◦If you’ve been sick since Wednesday, please wait to call in till Saturday night or (even better) Sunday morning just before service. For a bonus, do it via facebook!

◦Children’s Ministry is probably not the best place to work off your community service hours.

◦You can pass a background check… but if you smell funny, I’m not going to approve you to work with kids. It’s called mercy.

◦Volunteers who call in sick for the Super Bowl will have the kids from their abandoned class delivered to their home in time for the game.

◦Yes, random church member with an agenda, I’d love to create a class wrapped around your goat farm.

◦Please hold all important, drama-filled conversations until right before service starts. Preferably while I’m trying to get PowerPoint to work.

◦All scary looking relatives of yours are automatically cleared to sit through kids church. Since you asked me with them standing right there so I couldn’t say no. I’ll be sure to send a couple of mine over to watch you sleep tonight in return.

◦If you’re going to read right out of the curriculum, at least hold the book right-side up

This is all just for fun, Yes Pastor Wayne; it is still safe to leave your grandchildren in my care on Sundays. But just to be sure, you should give me a raise.

I'm only kidding about one of the above statements.


Don't make me go all "Lara Croft" on your dumb-ass

>> Monday, March 15, 2010

It’s a crying shame I’m not aloud to pack a shot gun with me at all times. I would have loved to use it today on this stupid Mother….No I’m not cussing here. Just someone’s daft Mother.

Yes. I am being judgmental and maybe I’m up on my high horse. Never-the-less some parents should just be SHOT. If only to save the lives of their offspring.

Let me be the first to say (before someone else does) I am far from a perfect parent. Some Supper-anal up-tight parents may even say (I know you're saying it) I’m a bit Lax in that department. Read here about my lack of patenting talents.

Even I, am amazed at times, when it comes to the plain stupidity of some parents (if you can even call them that).

Okay, here’s a thought…maybe they are not so stupid, but instead very clever and the whole “moronic mommy” bit is a ruse. As I see it, if you really hated your kids and wanted them dead, looking like a “Dumb-ass” parent is a brilliant cover up for your sick sinister plan.

Those are the only reasons I can think of, for a mother to blatantly put her child’s life at risk.

*Moronic dumb-ass or Sinister lunatic cockroach* you make the call.

Why I didn’t pull out my phone and report her. I don’t. I don’t know. Maybe I’m the moronic dumb-ass here? I was just fantasizing about having a shot gun to blow her blonde empty head off with. Why do I always go to extremes? I am…well embarrassed, damn I don’t know. Too late to do anything differently now.

I imagine you are probably wondering what I am getting all “holier then thou” about.

First let me just say I have never been a fan of little kids riding ATVs. Be-it pint sized dirt bikes, three wheelers, quads or another such motorized death machine. Although my friends that enjoy this family *cringe* sport always use all the precautions and safety gear and such. Read- smart parenting. They use the Brain God gave them and so far (knocking wood) all their kids are still in one piece.

Then there is this unspeakable peace of codswallop I saw today on my walk.

At first I didn’t see the three maybe four-year-old a-top a FULL SIZED Jacked up quad (4 wheel all-terrain vehicle, for those of us that don’t know ATV speak). I didn’t see him because he was SO. DAMN. SMALL. And the ATV was SO. EFFING. BIG. he was NOT. WEARING. HELMENT.

Hell, his legs weren’t long enough to even straddle the thing. He was all cock-eyed and stretched out on the beast. It had all the makings for a reenactment of “I shouldn’t be alive.” I ponder this as I watch in amazement this small boy ZOOM ZOOM around his yard.

Where the heck are his parents?  Maybe his mom is off reading Twilight or something?   Oh…there... that must be his…

Mother with the leaf blower… She has come around the corner just as he jerks to a stop, which lifts his little bum into the air and sets him back a foot on the seat.

This small child pulls himself back up and revs the engine, Vroom Vroom.

I’m convinced that “Mom” will rip his little tail off the thing before he’s kicked off and run over by it. (It’s happened before you know, seen it on the news, little kids killed, very sad)

I stop predicting this child’s death, breath and continue on my walk. Happy not to have to give my eye witness account to the police.

Until…here it comes…ready or not…she yells at him… and I am not kidding... I quote...


Did she? Did she really just say that? I wanted to vomit. The motor? The EFFING MOTOR? 
Really? Wow. F-Me who’d have thought, eh?  I feel like I'm on the coner of W-T-F and R-U-Kidding me!

How about his Head-Neck-Brain? How about TBI?  How about Effing Traumatic Effing Brain injury?

This is where I fantasize about reaching over my head, behind my back, pulling a huge-ass shot gun out of my waist band (Think Lara Croft meets more-to-love). Swing the silver gun around take-aim-and BLAM!

I’m the good citizen /hero saving this child from his inevatable tragic death by dumb-ass Mother…

OK-ok, so blowing her head off makes me no better then her. Right? After all I don’t. I don’t know her from Adam. I’m sorry. She just made me angry. It’s nothing personal. I bet she’s really nice and a fine parent. I have totally misjudged her

Heh, just kidding…she’s a moron.


Trust me, you will not be tight and perky forever

>> Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lecture to my 19 year old self, from a much older and wiser 37 year old self.

Michelle sweety, you foolish foolish girl, are you kidding me with this guy, what are you thinking? You deserve so much better then your Freak of a boyfriend! Could you just PLEASE dump that pathetic looser already!? I mean come on, have some self respect!

The guy is 22 rides a skate board and lives with his mother for Christ sakes! He will never be sponsored for his “skate boarding” talents, and will NEVER get a job. The only people who think he's cool, other then himself, are you and his prepubescence skater fans.

 Any man that will “hang out” with you on the condition that it is RAINING OUT SIDE is not someone you want to have your 75 children with. No amount of “Pink Floyd and Grateful dead” T-Shirts or LP’s will make him a true Hippie or a Man for that matter.

The fact that he spends his “Allowance” on POT, and skate board parts, is very sad and frankly ridiculous.  Not to mention HE’S A GROWN MAN WITH AN ALLOWANCE!

Can we talk about his hair for a bit? Seriously?…The man does NOT have dread locks! Face it girlfriend…he is just to dammed lazy to brush the knots out of that far-to-long nasty mop.

Why are you so blind girl? Or are you just that stupid!? He says he loves you, yes….but lets be honest honey, it’s your tight tail and perky tittys he’s truly in love with. Trust me, you will not be tight and perky forever, such a shame to waist it on this doosh bag. Ok maybe I’m being a little bit harsh... there IS more he loves about you; he loves your CAR and MONEY as well.

No matter how much you “Love” him back, he will never grow up and leave his skate board for you! Get a grip sister, open your eyes and grow a spine…he’s sucking you dry.

You need to Kick his overgrown playground-rat BUTT to the Curb!

Oh and By the way, do you really think he was "just talking" to that girl you found him naked with in the hot tub?  You poor foolish girl...


Little life lessons, learned the hard way~ Complements

>> Monday, March 8, 2010

Michelle's little Life lessons, learned the hard way.
 #1: Complements.

There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment. ~Robert Brault

Complements are~ Free, easy, low fat, and Full of Joy, what’s better then that?

As a rule you should give 3 complements a day. Not only do you brighten someone’s day, you bring yourself a little bit of joy to boot.

I never use to give complements…neverever. My twisted thinking was…Why should I say nice things? People should give me complements, I’m the shy one.

“Shy?” That’s just a nice way of saying that I came across as a big-rude selfish-bitch. My insecurities, poor self image, and social anxiety prevented me from seeing out side of myself. Poor little ol me....The mind reels.

If I liked someone’s hair, thought they were smart, or awesome at something, I assumed they knew that. After all, they know themselves better then I do, they must know how wonderful they are.

The sad facts are, I hated them for being pretty, smart, and put together, I sure the heck wasn’t going to reinforce their wonderfulness.

I felt everyone was better then I was, so being the lesser, I didn’t have to make the effort. Plus I had my pride … didn’t want to be seen as a “kiss butt, brown nosier, or a follower.

I didn’t need anyone; I was tough, cool and could care-less what anyone thought of me. Yeah sure, if you believe that, I know of a Lottery Company in which presently owes you the sum of $800,000.00 US Dollars and all you have to do to claim the money is send me the FedEx fee of $150.00.

For most of my life I was always dyeing to be liked, to be noticed, to make friends and be excepted for who I was. It was just too hard to put myself out there…for fear of rejection, and looking a fool.

So I went with the “Bitch” look, it works for Naomi Campbell right?

Now I’m a grown up, wife, and mother…God’s been doing some work on me over the last dozen years....I'v gotten over my big bad bitchy self. 

I have learned, beneath every Mad is Sadness, behind a bitchy snob is insecurities, and under ugly is God’s beauty. However there is evil, and you should just steer clear of that Sh*t!

Today, I no longer feel envy pains; well they’re not so strong that I can’t ignore them. So giving a complement or three is no sweat, saying something nice is not longer all that hard.

If I’m thinking that Denise’s hair looks exceptionally shiny and soft today, and she must have gotten that hair spray build up problem she told me about, taken care of…I tell her. Well not the part about the build up, not that I ever even noticed she had a problem with it.

“Hey Denise, your hair is looking exceptionally shiny and sexy hot today.” Yes I’m a dork, and I don’t care!
If I’m thinking it any more, I say it (the nice things that is) We all love complements…you know you do, I know I do, a good old ol kind word, can make my day…
So as a rule: give at least three complements a day, and mean them!

What’s the point? Why should you?

Because you never know who might be feeling ugly on the inside.

God was just showing off when he created you. ~From the movie Keeping the Faith


Disrespect is disrespect...Just saying **Warning! Do not Google**

>> Wednesday, March 3, 2010

If someone criticizes you or makes major judgments against you, then follows it with “I’m just saying.” Is that suppose to make you feel better, are you then not to take it personally? What’s “I’m just saying” really mean anyway? Does it lessen the blow? Make them not responsible if your feelings are hurt, or is it just a jerky thing to say?

“Hey your kids a real brat and he smells funny too, just saying.”
Well how about not saying, how about saying something nice, or keeping your snark to yourself? I’m just saying.

The term “I know, Right!” is soooooo over, and over used, I know, right! Let’s just get over ourselves already. Nothing is worse then paying someone a complement only to get back, “I know, Right!” What happened to good old fashion manners?

“Wow, your hair is so cute like that!”

“I know, RIGHT!”

Wrong, your hair was cute until you opened your mouth and snot flew out of it! I’m just saying.

I didn’t know what MILF meant for a long time. I knew that it had something to do with being a mom. How bad could that be, from what I’d seen and read seems like Mom’s want to be MILF's. Must be something great, right? I wanted to be a cool MILF too! So feeling a bit out of the loop I text the question to a younger friend of mine, knowing she would know.

HOLY COW! How socked was I? WTF how vile! I’ll slap the holy bloody hell out of any boy I hear use that term about me, right after I reply with, “I know, RIGHT!” If you don’t know what it means, I'm not telling you. And if your one of them moms that wants to be a MILF, you should be ashamed…I’m just saying.  
{ not google MILF, Nasty Vile search results, with a capital D-G-T... DIS-GUS-TING!}  BTW how much more D-G-T is GILFI know, Right!  DGTG  *i so just coined DGT its mine, don't go there.*

Speaking of WTF, we all know what that means, right? Is its really ok for kids to say W-T-F, L-M-F-A-O, S-T-F-U,  B-F-D or any other such garbage? But if they drop the F bomb we go all ape sh*t crazy on their butt? That so lame, I know-Right? Its ridiculous, why not just let them have the full on potty, trash talking mouth?  Come on just let them say whatever they want, what’s the harm in it?
Is it because taking my little kiddos to McDonalds’ and hearing a teen go off on his mom with…
“W-T-F mom, I said a chocolate shake, O-M-G this is not chocolate!” Is so much better then the alternative…really?

Disrespect is disrespect no matter the texts it comes in… I’m just saying.  

I so know what your thinking right now!  IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA



Happiness is

>> Tuesday, March 2, 2010

                                         Happiness is: a sleeping baby

                                           Our MaggieLee @ 6 months



it just can’t be done

>> Monday, March 1, 2010

Today is first time that I am forced to recognize that my 7 year old son is part of the male race.  My son is a smart boy, however often the Male part of boys will override the brain. I’m in shock and denial over the following conversation.

Jonah: “hey mom! Do you know what is impossible to do?”

Me: “get you to brush your teeth with out asking twelve million times?”

Jonah: “Duh, I CAN brush my teeth! But do you know what is IMPOSSIBLE to do?”

Me: “Do I get a prize if I guess right, and can that prize be… you-brushing-your-teeth?”

Jonah: “Would you just guess already!”

{Clearly he has his dad’s humor genie, because at this point he is completely annoyed with my foolishness}
Me: “No Jonah, I don’t know what is impossible for you to do. Please, oh please please, tell me…so you can go brush you teeth.”

Jonah: “It is Impossible for me to touch my head to my pee pee.”

I don’t even know what to say to this, why would anybody want to spend anytime at all attempting this?
Ok... I am so not going there…this is my sweet baby boy, my middle son.
I couldn’t even bring myself to ask, why he knew this was impossible, and why he would want to do it at all. Although I couldn’t help but wonder why he couldn’t, he can get his leg over his head after all.

I’m guessing every little boy has tried this feat at sometime in their life. (however my husband completly denies it)

Me: "Jonah go brush your teeth, and never touch that thing again! stop trying to do what-ever it is you are trying to do."

Jonah: "You mean touching my head with my pee pee? I told you its IMPOSSIBLE, it just can’t be done."

Me: "Praise Jesus!"

Boys are beyond the range of anyone's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. ~James Thurber


thank you for reading

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