Children's Ministry, What the Heck was I thinking?!

>> Thursday, March 18, 2010

I came across the following post here while looking for engorgement and resources in finding Children's Ministry volunteers. This brightens my day and was too funny not to share. If you have ever worked in Children's Ministry its a must read...if you are thinking about working in Children's ministry....DO NOT READ THIS, it may cause you to run screaming from someone like me looking for help in showing the love of Jesus to children. 
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones



Most of us write up and use pretty basic rules for Children’s Church: Don’t talk, keep your hands to your self, participate, limit bathroom use, blah, blah blah. I’m finding that those just aren’t cutting it these days. There are so many issues that the basic rules just don’t cover. I suggest we add the following to our policies and procedures manuals immediately!


Rules I Wish I Could Use:For Kids
*You shall not turn your Sunday School papers into airplanes or roll them into weapons.

◦If we have drums, you are not allowed to play them. Ever. If you do we will cancel your next birthday.

◦Do not groan after my movie video clip illustration is over.

◦The answer to every question I ask is not “God”.

◦Please thank your parents on our behalf for buying you a cell phone… right after you tell them you lost it.

◦Knock, knock jokes are banned for life.

◦Understand this: Even though I don’t have your birthday and age memorized… I still love you!

◦Please tell your friends we have bibles and coats here at the church… free gifts from all of you who have left yours here.

◦Nobody stole your socks.

◦Please stay completely still and quiet during worship but move around and talk as much as you want during the sermon.

◦Prayer requests are not a chance to tell a story.

◦If your grandmother is dead… there’s really no reason to pray for her… again.

◦Offering goes in the plate… not in the coke machine after service.

◦Please explain to we leaders how you fit all that stuff in that tiny pink purse.

◦Keep your dangum shoes on girls!

For Parents
◦Parent’s are required to get angry when they arrive late for check-in. We’re only open for an hour after all… only 30 minutes shorter than the service itself… I’d be angry too!

◦Parent’s must pick up their children within 15 minutes of the end of service. Those who don’t will have their children given to someone who will raise them properly.

◦Deadlines apply to everyone… except you. You’re special.

◦Please don’t act like you’re doing us a favor my dropping off your child. It’s not a problem for me… but some of these folks feel a little under appreciated when you act that way.

◦By all means, fill up a van full of kids, bring them to church and then refuse to volunteer!

◦Offering goes up one dollar for every minute you are late to church.

◦Those papers we send home… they’re useful… and not just as replacement floor mats in the minivan.

◦I know your kid is perfect… like you… but we still need him to stop stabbing others.

◦Thanks for your donation… but the homeless don’t like cans of pepper hulls either.

For Volunteers
◦If you’ve been sick since Wednesday, please wait to call in till Saturday night or (even better) Sunday morning just before service. For a bonus, do it via facebook!

◦Children’s Ministry is probably not the best place to work off your community service hours.

◦You can pass a background check… but if you smell funny, I’m not going to approve you to work with kids. It’s called mercy.

◦Volunteers who call in sick for the Super Bowl will have the kids from their abandoned class delivered to their home in time for the game.

◦Yes, random church member with an agenda, I’d love to create a class wrapped around your goat farm.

◦Please hold all important, drama-filled conversations until right before service starts. Preferably while I’m trying to get PowerPoint to work.

◦All scary looking relatives of yours are automatically cleared to sit through kids church. Since you asked me with them standing right there so I couldn’t say no. I’ll be sure to send a couple of mine over to watch you sleep tonight in return.

◦If you’re going to read right out of the curriculum, at least hold the book right-side up

This is all just for fun, Yes Pastor Wayne; it is still safe to leave your grandchildren in my care on Sundays. But just to be sure, you should give me a raise.


I'm only kidding about one of the above statements.



25 comments:

Bethany March 18, 2010 at 5:04 PM  

"If your grandmother is dead… there’s really no reason to pray for her… again." LOL-this one is my favorite!
I've spent many Sunday's working in Children's Church, and I can relate to so many of these!
Thanks for the laughs-I really needed them right now.

carissa @ lowercase letters March 18, 2010 at 9:12 PM  

i'm friday following you! i used to be an administrator for our children's ministry. we have about 600-700 kids attend our vbs. talk about chaos!!! i mean, fun!!! : )

mavericks_mommy March 18, 2010 at 9:23 PM  

Happy Friday Follow!!

Im a new follower!!

Mavericks Mommy

Night Owl Mama March 19, 2010 at 12:45 AM  

Great post No body stole your socks LOL My son needs that one.
happy follow Friday NOW following stop on by http://nightowlmama.blogspot.com

Anne - Mommy Has to Work March 19, 2010 at 5:19 AM  

Happy friday follow!
following you back!
have a great weekend!

Anne

Rebecca March 19, 2010 at 7:59 AM  

And then there's the hugs and comments that warm your heart! I love crazy children, I get to send them home after service, tehe.

Chrissy March 19, 2010 at 8:48 AM  

Happy Friday Follow!!
I'm a new follower and I really liked this post.
"◦I know your kid is perfect… like you… but we still need him to stop stabbing others."
I used to work with kids and I have come across many a situation like this!

Chrissy
http://textualtimes.blogspot.com/

Sarah March 19, 2010 at 9:00 AM  

Happy FF! It takes a special heart to do children's ministry! Kuddos to all that do!!

-Sarah
www.minnesotamamasmusthaves.com

Gucci Mama March 19, 2010 at 10:24 AM  

"Your child is perfect, like you, but we still need him to stop stabbing others".

Solid. Gold.

Following you back!

chubskulit March 19, 2010 at 10:25 AM  

Happy FF, following you back..

Lara March 19, 2010 at 11:38 AM  

Happy FF! I'm your newest follower!

Have an awesome weekend!!

Check out my blog and giveaways at: http://blogginmommadrama.blogspot.com

Momma Such March 19, 2010 at 11:41 AM  

Following you back!
Thanks for stopping by http://raisingmy4sons.com

Have a great weekend! :)

Christie Cottage March 19, 2010 at 2:57 PM  

Stopping by from "Friday Follow".
Last week I stopped by over 100 blogs!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

http://christiecottage.blogspot.com
http://christiecottage.etsy.com
http://twitter.com/christiecottage

http://christiecottage.blogspot.com/2010/03/win-it-wednesday-

Ron Cooper March 19, 2010 at 3:33 PM  

Hi,

I found your nice family blog on Friday Follow. I’m following you now on Google Friends Connect, and would appreciate a follow-back. My blog is on inspirational themes like family, faith and kindness.

http://inspiredbyron.blogspot.com/

http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/inspire_343432/

Jenn March 19, 2010 at 5:39 PM  

I’m your newest Follower from Friday Follows
Come visit me!
Enter my giveaway to win a pair of Freshwater Pearl Earrings
HERE: http://whodoesntlovecoupons.blogspot.com/2010/03/perfectionscom-review-and-giveaway.html

Thanks
Jenn

Kimberly March 19, 2010 at 8:19 PM  

You have a new follower. Happy Follow Friday!
LOL! Great post!
Kimberly
http://www.candidclevercosteffective.com

Nani March 20, 2010 at 7:06 AM  

Happy Friday follow, you can find me here
http://pregnancy-parenting-tips.blogspot.com/

Michelle March 20, 2010 at 9:06 AM  

Oh my word! Too funny. I'd be happy to volunteer at your church and leave my kids in your care. I'd even follow all your rules!! :)

Thanks for following me. It's nice to meet new bloggers. Following back.

Annie March 20, 2010 at 8:58 PM  

Thanks for follow my blogs. I'm a new follower.

ENjoy the weekend.

Bethany March 21, 2010 at 7:48 PM  

LOL! Since I work with preschoolers, this whole thing made me laugh! I'm your newest follower! :)

Anonamom March 22, 2010 at 12:59 PM  

My 3 yr old thinks that the bible contains knock-knock jokes about cookies. She sits down, opens it, thoughtfully turns the page and launches into one of those meandering jokes with no punchline. If I don't laugh and slap my knee I'm busted.

Who knew Isaiah had such good sense of humor?

Ron Cooper March 27, 2010 at 6:18 PM  

I like your sense of humor on this blog post...also the "Back Pew" cartoon. Keep on postin!

Ma What's 4 dinner March 30, 2010 at 11:48 AM  

Ugh...knock knock jokes. My kids don't even know how to tell them right. They just say knock knock, who's there, then they scream some random name and then laugh hysterically.

Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com

Lisa April 2, 2010 at 11:12 PM  

Hi,
Thank-you for the Friday Follow.
I am following you back.
Have a wonderful weekend.
God Bless You,
Lisa
http://misc-oceansky.blogspot.com
http://www.lisasglutenfree.com

Coupon Clippin' Daddy April 9, 2010 at 12:54 PM  

Found your awesome blog on FF! I'm now a follower!

www.couponclippindaddy.com

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