>> Thursday, April 1, 2010
This ant hill was in front of my bio father, Jon’s house. I’m sitting on the sun heated sidewalk, running my hands around in the sugar fine sand. My fingers draw a smiley face, then a sad face that I turn into a bunny. The summer sun beats down on my bare shoulders as I’m hunched over knees up around my ears, trying to get my mind focused on my art.
My new step-mothers voice drifts down to me from the open apartment window. First the words are indiscernible then more animated, now in shouts, words like “liar, embarrassed, and fucking bastard” sting my ears.
The Bunny becomes a unicorn, my fingers forming the long mane in the light brownish sand. Jon had asked me to wait out side, “we're all going out to dinner”, he had said with a wink and a forced smile, “wait out front we’ll be down in a minute.”
I’d known it would be more then just a minute.
I could tell by the look on Liz’s face.
I could tell by the way…by the way she said, “do you know what your daughter shared with Pam today?” She had spit out the word daughter like it left a bad taste in her mouth.
“You know Michelle, Liz said cutting off my chatter about what kind of horse I wanted some day, “some times its good to keep things to yourself.”
“What…why…she asked…Pam asked me if he...” I must of look like a real snot saying this, my eyes rolled up into my head and my mouth tripping over my words, trying to think about what I had said and what the big deal was…I was completely confused.
I was clueless to what I had done that was so wrong…my mom never made me feel bad or ashamed for the divorce… so why had Liz, my step-mom I’d only meet two days ago, why had she made me feel this way? My Father hit my Mother when I was little…it was just a fact and I didn’t know any different.
The rest of the car ride was silent as I pondered these things, and my hair whipped into knots out the car window. I never saw Pam or her horse again that summer, and I never spoke about my father’s abuse to anyone for a very long time.
My stomach rumbled with hunger as I dug both my hands into the mound of warm sand leaving no trace of the unicorn, wishing I could get my whole body down into that ant hill. The sun fell lower in the sky sending dozens of mosquitoes to buzzed about me, giving them a chance at a snack on my salty skin.