The Magic Liar of Dragons

>> Thursday, May 27, 2010

I’m a big fat liar, so sue me. I lie to my kids, who doesn’t? Right? When they ask questions you just don’t want to deal with.

 I don’t fear the “SEX” questions, they know all that stuff. I however fear the “did you smoke pot” question…I’ll be lying then too.

Today the question came up while talking about my 7 year old's middle name. When I was prego with Jonah, my oldest which was 4 at the time, wanted to name him Dragon.

Well Jonah Dragon was not what we went with, and Jonah now thinks that Dragon is a much better middle name.

 He's pretty much thinking he got screwed and at 7 knows having the name Dragon would make him the coolest kid in 2nd grade.

Naturally he now wants to know where we got his middle name, since his parents must be giant morons not to see that his big brother had a much better idea.

“We named you after my brother.” I inform him.

BUT that’s not enough…he starts the interrogation.

“You don’t have a brother.”

*Major attitude here*

“I did have a brother.”

“Well, where is he?”

*Challenging me*

“He died before you were born.”

*Thinking this hard fact would shut him up…but he’s not falling for it*

“Oh yeah, how did he die then?”

*Like I’m making this all up!*

They think he died of hyperthermia. Did you get your homework started like I asked?”

 *Trying to be vague and use big words to confuse and change subject*

“What’s hyper-term-pee?”

*HA! He’s confused!*

“It’s a medical condition like cancer, now get your back pack please you have a game tonight.”

 *Paints on Fire*

“Awwww MOM I don’t waaaannnnnaaaa go to baseball!.”


I loved my brother very much, for many years it was just me and him against the world. I wanted to honor his memory by giving our 2nd born his name.

I miss him all the time, but I’ll be honest, my brother had a hard life and made lot of bad choices that most likely lead to his death. How do you explain this to a 7 year old? One day I will, but not just before baseball.

Photos Bing Image


Blame it ALL on this piss poor Weather!

>> Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Hey did y’all see the weather map this morning? Pretty nice eh? Don’t ya just love spring?

Well do ya see all that blue in the upper left, that’s me. See me waving; I am, waving franticly there in Washington State, look close right there under the big 51. Yup, that’s me waving the bird at the other half of the map.

When the sun fails to come out of the clouds, my 12 year old fails to get out of bed and miss’ the bus.

So in the down pour I am forced to drive his butt to school, oh Joy.

Saying a small prayer I don’t get pulled over racing off to the middle school. Heck any cop that saw me would just feel sorry for me and let me off, seeing me all disheveled and braless in my P.J.s.

Now most middle school kids would be horrified to be seen with their mom in this condition, a fate worse than death. Not with my kid, he don’t care, He thinks I’m a laugh a minute.

If you have ever had the pleasure of braving the parking lot of a school, you understand the mass panic to quickly shove your kid out the door and drive off to avoid ticking off the frantic line of parents trying to do the same.

But of course nothing comes easy for me.

“Ok get ready, as soon as I stop jump out.” I instruct my son.

As my 120lb 5 foot 4” 12 year old bolts from the car he yanks his 500lb back pack off the floor of the van, causing an avalanche of crap to spill out after it. Discarded Starbuck cups, Zhu Zhu pet packaging and other such trash spill out on to the ground.

My son stands there looking at it baffled, “just pick it up and toss it back in the car!” I scream over the pelting showers, glancing over my shoulder at the waiting traffic jam behind me. No way in Hell am I getting out of this van!

At first I think he is crying as he chucks the run-a-way trash back in the van. Oh God I’ve traumatized him for life! Here he is humiliated in front of his class mates, his mother with her wild bed head hair and trashed out van. How will he ever live this down? I’ll have to pay for years of therapy! I just want to pull him back in the car and home school him until collage.

Turns out he is cracking up…rain running down his face. He thinks the whole thing is funny, that’s my boy…he’s just like his mom. Thank God because I could never home school and can’t afford the therapy.

I blow him a kiss, yell “Love you kid,” crank the wheel, run over the forgotten Starbucks cup and speed off…almost sideswiping the jack ass who tried to sneak around me.

I hate this weather!


Painting over the Messy

>> Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I have some major faults, not being a very organized person nor having the strongest drive for neatness to name a few. Like my friend says…I’m a messy, normally I’d take great offence to being called a messy, but she is one to…so I’ll let it slide. Plus it’s the truth, what can I say.

I beat myself up all the time, I just never seem to be enough…

I’m Messy, but not messy enough to make it on “Clean House.”

I’m Fat, but not fat enough to make it on “The Biggest Loser.”

I’m not the best parent, but not bad enough to get on “Super Nanny.”

I’m on my own.

So to make me feel better, I’m going to paint. 5 years of baby gates, kids and neglect have turned my walls nasty.  Not the best color for a home.

Here’s the problem though, my husband is thrifty.

I came home with some paint samples and hubby starts in with…

“Are all them paint swatches free?”

“Where are you getting the money for the paint?”

“We have all that paint in the garage, just use that up.” (from 5 years ago!!)

See what I mean… cheep redneck thrifty.

 It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one dealing with a thrifty hubby; I’ve read about another blogging Michelle, she has some of the same issues.

Knowing my hubby, I was one step ahead of him…see honey I’m going to sell some of our old crap our lightly used things at a yard sale and use that money on home improvements.

Or maybe I could just get enough free paint swatches to cover the walls?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get all down on my hubby; he did try and be helpful with this other suggestion.

“How a bout using that 5 gal bucket of left over exterior trim paint to paint the living room, you picked out that color.”

Naw...thanks tho.  How a bout ...
lets just sell the paint at the crap yard sale....
or I could use all the paint to lift and burn off some fat...
or I could just beat the kids with it when they write on the walls??  

What?!...Bad idea?


The Mom Song...seen it again.

>> Monday, May 24, 2010


Mommy's Law

>> Friday, May 21, 2010

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, well this is Mommy’s Law:

If you sit down the phone will ring.

If the kids need money for school, they will only remember as the bus roll up the block.

If you stop to hug your Husband the dinner will burn.

The chance of the juice staining is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Tell a child there is a tooth fairy he'll believe you. Tell him something stinks he’ll have to smell it to be sure.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously had too much wine.

If there is an elephant in the room, your kid will surely point it out.

The busier the restaurant the louder your toddler screams.

The more effort put into cooking dinner, the less your kids will eat of it.

If there is a worse time for a dirty diaper, it will happen then.

Money can’t buy love, but it sure doesn’t hurt the mood.

If you take a shower, your kids will figure paint with peanut butter and BBQ sauce.

If you can’t blame the kids…blame the Dog.

If you take off your bra the door bell will ring.


Life's lessons learned the hard way...Men are EASY when you're SLEAZY.

>> Monday, May 17, 2010

Men are easy, Women make them crazy.

WARNING: The following post contains some sexually awwwummm…stuff and is meant for married adults only. Also my Mom, Dad, Pastor and Husband are forbidden to read any further.

If I want to make my husband happy all I need to do is feed him and take off my pants (well not at the same time…although he would enjoy that), then he is putty my hands.

Simple…men are simple.

Unless your husband is a narcissistic abusive psychopath, then you’re crazy for staying with him. I’ve dated my share of them…run honey, RUN!

We women make men unnecessarily crazy with all our bicthin’ and naggin’.

“What about me…my needs, I’m tired, the kids take all I have! Why must I give give give to HIM too?”

I’ll tell you why, cause once you take care of his “Horney & Hungry”, He’ll take care of all your massive amounts of womanly needs. Pretty sweet deal…ask any man… he’ll tell you I’m right.

Case in point:

The arrival of my Verizon bill would turn my husband into a gigantic ass and me into a massive Bitch. Oh it was on…every month…month after month!

With his resent cut backs at work and us being a one income family with four kids, a cell phone was an unnecessary expense and HE was NOT going to pay it.

So I’d bitch and nag and with hold sex until he paid up. He’d be a hard ass jerk until he couldn’t take anymore of my shit.

One day, being on the verge of getting my phone shut off, I made him a special offer…an offer no man can refuse. I told him that if he paid the bill I’d give him a B.J. Yep.

I am a bit of a B.J. snob and deprived him of this treat…so He was all up on that deal!

After that, whenever the Verizon bill turned up in the mail box my husband would walk in the house with a big ol' grin on his face waving the bill in the air, declaring…

”Honey, it’s time to pay your cell phone bill!”

Over the years ….this “Special offer” has bought me a Large capacity washer/dryer, Range and over the Range Microwave to name a few.

Pretty sweet deal!


HEY YOU! Get that OLD MAN off, your stinking up the place!

>> Thursday, May 13, 2010

If I was your mother I’d smack you right up side your pretty little head!

“Get that nasty OLD MAN off right now! He’s stinks like crap and is weighing you down.”

As christens we carry around our OLD MAN on our back, not wanting to let go, what a lame thing to do. We are spiting in the face of Jesus, the Dude hung on the cross for us to lose this OLD MAN.

What do we do?? We hang on to him like our skinny jeans, just face it sweetpea, the jeans will never fit the same again, and neither is the OLD MAN.

(SIDE NOTE: if you don’t know Jesus and have yet to give your heart to him…then you better get on it honey, times a wasting. I’m not going to hold your hand …there’s no “Jesus loves you” babble here.

And I am sure the hell not going to hold your hair back as you keep vomiting up the things of this world. Maybe you could find one of them sweet “Christian love spewing mommy” blogs to help you with that. But I’m not one of them.)

You see that OLD MAN on your back... it is dead! How sick are we to carry around a dead old man on our back….*gaggin*

 He’s Dead! Dead! Dead! Gross! Gross! gross!

He’s rotting, beating you down, and stinks like HELL, get him off!! NOW For Christ sake!

What the eff am I talking about?? Don’t know?? It’s the old sin we keep revisiting, the old shame and past we can’t seem to let go of.

Honey, I know believe me, I do it all the time. Beating myself up over crap I did in the past, for mistakes, bad judgments, SIN, SIN, SIN.

It’s not pretty, this rotting corps on my back, he keeps whispering shit in my ear. However it’s my choice to keep him, Jesus is not going to rip him off my back and bury him in the back yard. He’s already killed the guy for us…what more do we need.

Romans 6:4-6 tells us that when Jesus died on the cross (we all know the story right…we don’t celebrate Easter for that dam bunny after all, but I do love me some chocolate mini eggs) [4] we were buried with Him and Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we walk in newness of life.

[6] “Knowing this, that our OLD MAN was CRUSIFIED with HIM, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.

I shit you not, that’s what it says…read it for yourself.

Romans 6:7-11 goes on to tell us that we are no longer ruled by the power of our past Sin…that sin is dead…our OLD MAN is Dead. The Grace of God has defeated all the past crap in our lives. Our sin has been deprived of it's power over us.

We are no longer slaves of our past sin, it is dead, but we carry the stinky shit on our backs every day! It’s sure not because it feels good! WTF?

Now check this bad boy out. (Didn’t think you were going to get a fricking bible study today did ya...HA!)

Romans 6:12-14 Tells us WE must consider ourselves DEAD to SIN but Alive in God, However we have a continual choice day after day whether to yield to our sin or to God.

What the heck did you think God sent Jesus down here to do… well it wasn’t so you could have a sparkly “Holiday Tree” now was it. Wake up women…we are Free from this nasty garbage.

Need more smack down? Well Colossians 3 tell us to put our mind on things above, not on things of the earth, we have put off the OLD MAN with his deeds. And have put on the new man. We are renewed.

I do not lie, there is much more but I can’t do this all for you. Dust off your Bible or better yet go buy yourself a new one…they have some pretty pink ones, and study this stuff yourself. I’m not your mother after all!

Oh for the Love of GOD… go and get that nasty Stinky rotting corpse off your back and take a deep breath of Life…

Smells good don’t it.


Snotty snarky selfishness.. Don't think with your dink kids.

>> Wednesday, May 12, 2010

We interrupt this Blissful Babble for some Serious Snark… we will return to our normally scheduled Blissfulness when the babbler gets some dang sleep.

I’m feeling snarky today, maybe I’m on the rag or it’s just the fact I’ve been fighting a bug. But I’ve really just had it with selfish parents.

Oh sure I’m selfish when I chose to sit here and bang on my computer instead of playing with My 5 year old.

Selfish when I fall asleep on the couch instead of feeding my kids breakfast, only to wake with a jolt when the 2 year old clocks me a good one with her tippy cup. (In my defense I’m sick! Awesome now my head hurts worse.)

SO my rant today…

I really struggle with how we honor others before our own kids, well struggle is the wrong word... I think It sucks big snot balls.

I try and keep my big mouth shut, and sometimes I even can keep my big mouth shut…WHAT I CAN!

Like when I saw a friend’s “face book relationship stats” change that he was dating that dumb chick again...

I kept my big mouth shut…no sarcastic jabs about how he was so “Done with her games and drama he’d never go back." I made no criticisms, or snotty snark, no “well lets just see how long it lasts this time.”

Even when his face book stats changed to “Engaged” I still said NOTHING. See I can behave myself.

What I really want to say is…WTF are you thinking?? Thinking with your dink again are we?

She wants him to move hours away from his kids, so they can be together.  However she won't think of up rooting her kids for him?

SELFISH on her part to even ask him to do that, but what does she care, she gets what she wants.

As long as its all in the name of LOVE, its all good, Right?

He didn’t want to move, but is now? Why, to shut her the eff up?
So now his kids get to visit him, where HER kids live full time. Oh goody! So super awesome for them!

SELFISH on his part, why will he honor her and her kids before his own flesh and blood?

What? Does she have his balls in a vice? Why would you go against what you know is right, dishonor yourself and your kids, for what, a piece of tail?

Oh yes...Love rules over all good sence. I remember them days, God I was such a dumb ass.

Do his kids have a say….NO.

Yes... it’s his life, he should be happy.

BUT... isn’t it his children’s life as well?

No…I have no control over any of it, all I can do is be very sad for his kids.

What I’d like to do is slap some sense into him….but if he is thinking with his dink…it won’t help.

I just pray that their marriage will be one of the 20% of mix families that make it…them and the “Brady bunch.”  Good luck with that pal.

Love from, the Snarky Snot.


JESUS...I wish this guy would just stop calling me!

>> Friday, May 7, 2010

Brrringggg… Brrrringgggg… “Hello?... hello?
Oh aww Hey God, What’s up?

Yes, I got the beautiful flowers; they are blooming all over the back yard…and the butterflies…that’s a nice touch.

Yes, the kids are great…healthy…I could use some help with the back talk though.

Umm…Well I don’t know… guess I could do that….

Oh Wha-Wha-What did you say?

Oh, you're breaking up on me…

Sorry, I cannot hear you,

I'm kinda busy.”

Man why does this guy keep calling me!?

I know I have Peace in his Promise…but I’m kinda busy.

I know I have Hope in His Word…but I have laundry.

I know I have Life in His Name… but Gray’s is on tonight.

I know I have Forgiveness in His Grace…but I’m kinda spent.

I don’t want to deal to the Big Guy... When life is so busy.

I know I said I’d spread your word…but I don’t.

I know I said I’d serve…but I won’t.

I’m just too dam busy… I’d rather just not hear….so I don’t.

I’ll call him when I need something DAMIT!

Like Lady Gaga & Beyonce Sing …

Stop telephoning me …I’m busy.

Stop callin', stop callin',

I don't wanna think anymore!

I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.

Stop callin', stop callin',

I don't wanna talk anymore!

We're sorry… the number you have reached is not in service at this time.

Please check the number, or try your call again....

Where did you leave your heart?


thank you for reading

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