Whats with all that Luggage Lady!?

>> Monday, September 27, 2010

My friend Emily told me this story once about how she took her infant daughter to a well check doctor’s appointment. She was walking into the office carrying her baby girl in one of them infant car seats in her right hand, her over stuffed, but fashionable, diaper bag was flung over her right shoulder; her purse hung from the crock of her left arm, and in her left hand was her Starbucks coffee. She was in a hurry, running late and it didn’t help that she was wearing some very cute and very high heal shoes. I remember Emily laughing as she described the look on the faces of the people she hurried past and the horrible feeling that her thong was showing out the back of her hip hugging jeans. With her hands full Emily was unable to pull her blouse down as she felt it riding up her back with the weight of her diaper bag, and she could no easier tug up her jeans as they seemed to be creeping down from the infant car seat perched on her hip. And the best part was she had her two year old son Connor jetting off in front of her, so as she trotted in her heals bouncing her baby in its carrier and her latte splashing about, she screamed after her son with the all vigor of a very stressed mom, “CONNOR, STOP!” “CONNOR, WAIT FOR MOMMY!” “CONNOR!”

When Emily reached the Doctors office covered in sweat and coffee, she bent over to set the baby down sending her over stuffed, but very fashionable, diaper bag swinging down around her arm and smacking her baby girl right in the head, sending the contents of the bag spilling onto the floor and her baby into fits. When the mess was picked up and the baby settled down, she hiked her pants back up over the crack of her ass, and put her blouse where it should be. Emily soon realized not every thing was right in the world… her son had taken this opportunity to suck down her much needed Starbucks!

Have you ever felt like the sweet things in life were just with in arms reach, but all the baggage your carrying with you, all the time everyday, keeps you from drinking them in? Is all of that baggage even yours?! Did you pick up someone else’s luggage too? What is that there on your back? Is that a pack of garbage your Mother in Law dumped on you last week? Why are you still lugging that around? What about that baggage under your eyes, are you missing out on some sleep, busy digging though your head looking for a way to fix someone that insists on staying broken?

Me? Oh here look at this, my over sized purse of crap, isn’t it cute. I like to open it up sometimes, run my fingers around in it, stir up some nasty smelling poop, get myself nice and worked up, and maybe even share some of my crap with my friends. I keep it around because its mine, it stinks and it’s stressful, but it’s my crap and I own it. Sure life would smell sweeter, and feel a lot lighter if I got rid of it, but just like Emily’s very fashionable diaper bag, there might be something in there I would need some day….right?

Naw, unlike Emily’s diaper bag it has nothing I need in it! The dam thing just keeps wielding around and smacking me upside the head sending me into fits, I could really do with out it. Our luggage, our unwanted carry on so to speak, keeps us from doing the things we need to do, want to do. Keeps us from hiking up our jeans and taking on the world for all its wonder, we just keep running around with our ass crack hanging out not being able to do a dam thing about it. If we weren’t so weighted down, our arms so full, and our view so obscured we could fly.

So how do I let go? How do you let go? Let God...

Oh honey ….I’m not going to leave you hanging….This is just part one.


Ding ding ding...Mean mommy is in the ring!

>> Friday, September 17, 2010

Ding ding ding...the homework battle has begun ladies and gentleman!
In this corner ...standing at 5 foot 6 and weighing in at *mumble mumble * pounds  the all time heavy wight champion...
Mean Mommy!

And in this corner...standing at 5 foot 4 weighing in 150 pounds the returning challenger with the smart mouth...
Reluctant Tween!

Graphic by Avery aka reluctant tween

 Mean Mommy took a major hit in the first round when Reluctant Tween distracted her with a chocolate chip cookie.

But Mean Mommy comes back strong in the second round rocking Reluctant Tween off his feet with a one two punch, no video games or computer.

Reluctant Teen negotiates though the third round, gaining headway with his fancy foot work, dancing circles around Mean Mommy in the fourth. 

In the fifth round Mean Mommy trips up and suffers a knock out right before the dinner bell. What a nail biter folks!

Reluctant Tween feeling cocky over steps boundaries and ends up against the ropes leaving victory to Mean Mommy in the sixth round.

Reluctant Tween pulls out all the punches in the seventh, it looked like he was going to take the crown away from Mean Mommy when out of know where Mean Mommy puts her foot down hard and spills blood.

Graphic by Avery aka reluctant tween

What an exciting match ladies and gentlemen! It was a hard fight but Mean Mommy does it again; Reluctant Tween is down for the count!


Swiss Cheese face

>> Thursday, September 9, 2010

With Kindergarten starting tomorrow I drug my very reluctant 5 year old out to get his hair cut. When we walked into the local Perfect look I was shocked to see who would be taking scissors to my son, I almost turn tail and ran out the door mumbling something about looking for the post office.
This young gal working at Perfect look had a far from Perfect look, she had metal sticking out all over her face, sporting one of them bull like rings through her nose and metal studs in her cheeks where dimples would be if she hadn't killed them. She also had tattoos running up her arms and crazy multi colored hair. Not wanting to be judgmental and look un-cool, I gave her a big smiled and let her know Sam would be getting a trim, my smile was not returned, I guess the face jewelry makes smiling difficult.

“Mom that lady is creepy,” Sam whispers to me as we follow her back to the chair, Yes, I thought, Yes she is.

Living near and working in Portland most of my life I’m not put off by lots of pricings and tattoos, Portland is famous for being “Weird” after all. 
I have 6 pricings *in my ears folks, ears!* and a tattoo myself, I’ve even always wanted to get my nosed priced, so who am I to cast stones. But I couldn’t help think if you’re going to be working with the public you should probably try and avoid scaring the crap out of small children, hell she scared me.

I know I’m getting old because I really wanted to tell her, “You have such a pretty face why did you want to mess it up with all that metal.” But I kept my mouth shut and just kept smiling like a moron.

As she was working on Sam’s hair, he sat trying to avoid looking at her for fear she would give him the Weegee stare and kill him.  I, on the other hand could not help staring at her...I noticed the area around her cheek impalements looked raw and sore and you could see into the hole in her face. This made me think what having holes in your face would be like.

Having a Swiss cheese face can’t be easy, think of all the things you can’t do, like whistle or blow bubbles with chewing gum, could you even suck a milkshake though a straw. *OMG I'd die before giving up milkshakes* You couldn’t blow up a balloon; you might shoot one of them studs out of your face and hurt someone.
And what about leakage?  Would you wake up in the morning with drool running out of your face holes? 
You can’t be a happy person if the simple act of smiling and laughing cause’s pain or do you think punching holes through your face muscles makes you smileplegic?

She didn’t smile the entire time she cut Sam’s hair, in the end she completely messed it up, when I asked her to take more off the top... she took more off the back. I was too afraid to ask her to fix it, tipped her four bucks and took my little Dorothy Hamill home. When my husband told me to take him back and have them fix his “dorkcut” I told him I couldn’t because I was scared she would use him in a Wicken sacrifice or something.


Maybe she was trying to give him that "Justin Beeper" (whatever) cut, but if you think I'm going to be blow drying, flat ironing and styling a 5 year olds hair every morning you're nuts! 


Zoo Tails

>> Monday, September 6, 2010

My husband got up this Sunday morning and asked me, “What are we doing for Family fun today.” Well the only fun I had planed was cleaning the house and doing laundry, not exactly what he had in mind. With some brain storming we came up with the Zoo, great day for the Zoo since it was in the high 60s and little chance of rain.

So we packed up the kids and headed for the Washington Park Zoo, 30 minutes and several arguments with my 5 year old later we coughed up 40 bucks *and a little white lie that my 12 year old was 11* and we were ready for some “Family fun.” Well fun if you like butts.

The animals where not happy to see us, if they happen to be out, they wouldn’t cooperate. It started with the Lion, all we could see was his hairy back side and a giant pair of, well you know. My son yells, “Hey mom take a picture of the Lion!” “Of what?” I ask, “his butt?”   Bet you can't guess what he yells next..."And his furry tenders, thier huge!"
So that’s how it went all “Family fun” day, my 5 year old Sam crying that he wanted to go home, and animals giving us the “Tail”.

Here we have a bit of Warthog butt.

A big ol Rhinoceros butt, he looked kind of...I don't know...dead, I had to make sure he was breathing, he was just napping tho.

Zebra was having none of us, just talk to the butt.

Some kind of Monkey butt.

Gazelles have cute butt’s, they keep in shape with all that running.

Can you tell who’s butt this is? Hey this could be a new segment on Sesame Street.

And the biggest Butts of all…..My kids.

Here is Jonah, just plan old pooped out from all the “Family fun”.

Sam is just Done, even had to ride with his sister because he was so tiered, wanted to go home, and didn't want to see anymore animals…sheesh…What a butt head.

What kind of Family fun did you do this weekend?


Mommy Rhapsody...Saturday sunshine

>> Saturday, September 4, 2010


Leanne, The Jerk, and long flowing stuff

>> Thursday, September 2, 2010

When my wonderful friend Leanne @ from chaos comes happiness“Tagged” me on her blog I could not refuse her, its not that I'm to cool for "Tags" I never seem to have the time for them, but I'll make time her.
Leanne is awesome in so many ways, I love reading her blog because she is always true to herself and full of life, she is also very talented. I was lucky enough to have had her design my blog header and it makes me smile every time I see it.  If you are looking for some great design work or something amazing to read go check her out.

So here we go… the following questions were given to me by Leanne, they are fun and deep, just like her.

1. What is your all-time favorite movie (the one that you can watch over and over, when just hearing it in the back ground is enough to imagine exactly what is happening on the screen)?

I love anything Steve Marten, from “the Jerk” to “Cheaper by the dozen” you can’t go wrong with Steve, he makes water squirt out of my eyes.

2. Tell me about one Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child.

Growing up we never had much money and we moved around a lot. I often went as a gypsy woman, I’d wear my mom’s long flowing skirts and peasant top with big hoop ear rings lots and lots of bangle bracelets, my mom would tie my long hair back with scarves. It was fitting really, being a gypsy woman, since I never lived in one place long enough to go to the same school for a full year.

3. Why did you start blogging?

Being that I  love to make others laugh even by making fun of myself, I offten say silly dumb stuff on my FaceBook status, one day my friend Mary commented “you always crack me up, you should have a blog”. Well I never really thought about it…but I looked into it and here I am. I enjoy it much more than I ever thought I would.

4. What makes you happy?

'Oh my…. When my husband gropes me in the kitchen and call me his honey muffin, that makes me happy. It makes me happy that my kids Love when I read to them. Ice cream makes me happy. Blog comments make me really Happy.

5. If you were able to go back in time, where would you go and why?

I’d like to visit the renaissance times, live as the women did back then, with the long gowns, hooded cloaks, flowing hair and were treated like woman should be treated….Like a Goddess. Yeah I’d like to ride through the forest on my big white stallion with my large bosoms busting out of my corset…oh sorry forgot where I was for a min.

6. What was the last thing you bought at the grocery store?

This morning the only way to get the kids out of the house and take a walk with me was to bribe them with doughnuts…we walked to the grocery store and bought 6 doughnuts, 4 chocolate milks and a Starbucks (the true reason for the walk)

7. How do you take your coffee? (If you don’t drink coffee … wait, let me get a handle on that … YOU DON’T DRINK COFFEE??? Ok, if you don’t drink coffee, then what is your favorite beverage?)

I like my coffee every morning with Carnation vanilla nut creamer….yummy.

8. Brag a little . . . tell me about a recent RAK (random act of kindness) that you took part in.

Huh? You are killing me here! Let’s see, I always try to do a little RAK, holding doors open, sharing a smile, teaching my kids kindness. I guess the last thing I did was pick up (instead of steeping over it like everyone else) someone’s Visa card off the floor of Wal-Mart and turned it in to customer service, because that’s what I would of wanted someone to do if I dropped my credit card on the floor of Wal-Mart.

This was fun, thanks Leanne!  Now I am going to be lame, because I’ve run out of time, and not forward the “Tag”.

Your welcome.


thank you for reading

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