Flailing around like a fool

>> Monday, October 18, 2010

I struggle daily with my relationship with God and the plan he has for my life, the path he leads me down is unfamiliar territory and downright scary. When I stretch myself beyond my comfort zone and take a few shaky steps on His path I find joy, excitement, and happiness like no other, there is always great reward down this road. But soon I start freaking out, get uncomfortable and find myself flailing around like a fool, worried and insecure.

I didn’t grow up in the Church; frankly this “FAITH” thing is weird to me. My mom did start taking us to Church when I was 11. I started looking forward to youth group as a teen, where I spent most of my time making out with boys behind the Church. I didn’t find Jesus at Church, but I did find out that most boys could be tempted with some sweet cherry lip-gloss.

Like Jonah and his Whale, (Y’all know that Bible story right?) I fight against God’s desires for my life; I give him attitude and walk away. Not that I think others are undeserving to know God’s heart, Love, mercy and forgiveness, mostly I fear looking like an idiot. Sometimes I think it would take a lot more than some little whale to make me move.

Who am I to tell you about God anyway? I am not a Bible teacher; I didn’t even grow up in a “God centered home,” Heck most Sundays I can’t even get my ass out of bed to make it to Church. I was a self-proclaimed Atheist for most of my life. I misquote the Bible and misunderstand the meaning of verses’, (as my husband will quickly point out) I gossip and use bad words, I don’t have a college degree and to top it all off I’m dyslexic…
 far far far far far from perfect!

Before Jesus entered into my heart, I was a mess, totally fucked up, and lost. Now I wasn’t whoring myself out for crack, but I was in a pit. (Wow I’m such a rebel I used the F-bomb and Jesus in the same sentence and I’m not drunk or talking politics). I know firsthand how God’s love can bring peace and joy to a crazy messed up chick like me. Jesus has given me EVERYTHING I could ever want to be happy, But I still fight with the pull of the world, the easy life…I get angry with God when He leads me to step out…WTF Doesn’t He know I’m not Perfect and NO ONE will listen?

Do you fight God’s plan for your life, do you take the easy path, I’m right there with you sister. Why do we do it? It’s selfish really, when we have the poor WTF attitude of Jonah we fail to reach others and we fail our own journey. But when we are on the path God has laid for us, people will hear and respond in Faith.

How? Seek…sister…Seek. If we purpose to do God’s will, we will know His leading and the Peace of God will rule in our hearts. (Col 3:15)

I may not be a Bible scholar but I know this for sure… in Jesus…
We have Life in His name
We have Peace in His rule
We have Hope in His promise
We have Faith in His love
We have Joy in His forgiveness
We have Grace thought His sacrifice


Megan October 18, 2010 at 3:30 PM  

Great post. You say it well, and I can tell you mean it. Thanks for sharing.

grownupforeal October 18, 2010 at 4:28 PM  

How brave of you to lay it all out there like this. As ridiculous as it sounds, I think God honors that candor!

The struggle with being who He called us to be is REAL. And, oh boy, it is a struggle!

Be encouraged.

Marlene October 18, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

Beautifully worded!!! I'm what you'd call a "baby" Christian. I'm learning. I'm not perfect, either. FAR FAR FAR from it, just like you. I try. I fail. I try again.

Thanks for this....it actually really resounded nicely with me. :)

(See, I can be "grown up" once in awhile!)

Leanne October 18, 2010 at 6:12 PM  

Girlfriend ... I feel like you wrote this to ME, and even though you may not have ... I accept it. All of it. And I am most grateful for the message. I'm trying. Each and every day. Thanks for this post (and yes, I can't believe you said "Jesus" and dropped the F-bomb in the same sentence. But you know, that's why I love ya so... you are REAL sister! ALL REAL!)

middle child October 18, 2010 at 7:01 PM  

I am exactly like you in this matter. I know it is because I am lazy. I give. I love. But I am not so good at the doing. (reading the Bible, praying, etc.) And like you, once I do those things, all becomes clear. Then I am back to the beginning again. It's hard. I'm lazy. I am not perfect. Just forgiven. And you sweetie, need to look at yourself through God's eyes. You'd be looking through the eyes of unconditional love.

Mimi October 18, 2010 at 7:10 PM  

I relate to so much of what you've said. Thanks for being so open.

Hugs & love,

Bossy Betty October 19, 2010 at 7:19 AM  

Beautiful thoughts here--straight from the heart too!

Kat October 20, 2010 at 11:47 AM  

I think a lot of people can relate to this.

Luckily, God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He loves us as we are. He just wants us to try. And He wants us to love Him. :)

Rose October 22, 2010 at 11:59 AM  

your post was very upfront. that's good. god is there for all of usno matter who we are. rose

Green Monkey October 25, 2010 at 8:11 PM  

and what a beautiful heart you have!

Gina Alfani November 12, 2010 at 9:19 PM  

I agree with Kat . . . many of us can relate! There is a saying I have . . . "church" is not confined to four walls . . . it is within each of us who believe and have faith" . . . God knows our hearts and souls.

Thanks for visiting my blog . . . love your blog . . . following you now :-)

Have a wonderful weekend . . . Gina

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