Apparently I’m a boob ogler...and I need help.

>> Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When my cousin Rainy asked me if she was “showing too much cleavage,” during a conversation we were having on Christmas Eve, I had no idea what she was talking about.

“You keep looking at my Boobs,” She said.

“No I’m not, are you crazy woman, why would I be looking at your boobs?” I said shaking my head and giving her the ‘you’re a moron’ Look.

“Yes you are, see you’re doing it now! Is this shirt too low cut? Should I put on a cami? Is it tacky?” She asked honestly concerned about the vast ravine plunging down between her fleshy white (all but snow covered) mounds bursting out of her V-neck.

“Well Yeah, I’m looking now! You keep talking about them, how am I suppose to NOT look at your boobs when you keep pointing THEM out. Oh and by the way I was looking at you’re butterfly necklace before NOT you’re boobs!” I snapped envies over her ample Ta Ta’s.

“Okay whatev Michelle, but really is this shirt too low should I change it?” She asked again overly concerned about her blessings.

I admit this is not the first time I have been accused of boob ogling.
 o·gle /ˈoʊgəl/ [oh-guhl]
verb, o·gled, o·gling,
1. to look at amorously, flirtatiously, or impertinently.
2. to eye; look or stare at
My good friend Andrea asked me once during a conversation if her bra was showing. Guess I was ogling her boobies and she just thought she was flashing her under-roo’s at me, nope Andrea your friends just got some issues.  (Like you didn't already know that)
Another time I could swear my neighbor across the street accused me of looking at her boobs under her breath once…kind of passive aggressive like. I couldn’t be sure what she said exactly and at the time I thought I must of heard her wrong, but in my defense she does wear a lot of low cut tank tops. 

But I know one thing for sure I. AM. NOT. looking at their boobies darn it!! 

To tell you the truth all three of the above mention woman are very blessed in this area, so maybe…just maybe they get this all the time…you know the “hey fella my eyes are up here” kind of business. So it could be just their own insecurity’s or even their own ego thinking everyone is always talking to their chest…HA! That must be it... I’m not a perv! Phew…I'm a MAN...what...wait... Scratch that!!

OR….Maybe I do have boob envy…for shame.

Hi my name is Michelle, I’m a boob ogler….and I need help.

I kid; I really have know idea what I’m doing when I’m doing it. Its one of them subconscious things, ya know. I have problems with eye contact when I’m talking to someone, my eyes will drop from their face and apparently land on their chest when I’m thinking.
I can’t think about what someone is saying to me while I’m staring at their face…I just can’t…I’ve tried…don’t work. I think about what I see on their face…a patch of dry skin…clumpy mascara…moles…scares. It’s all part of my self diagnosed autism, when my gaze drops I don’t “see” boobies, I don’t “see” anything but inside my head, that’s what happens when you’re a visual person.
This is not a problem when I'm talking to a man, unless they have a gravy stain on their shirt then that's all I can think about. But with woman...I guess I’m seen as some kind of perverted lesbo, I don’t know, no wonder why my neighbor stopped talking to me…I hit on her too many times.

P.S.  If one day we are having a conversation and I seem to be looking at your boobies... just know that I'm not...I'm really listening to what your saying and trying not to ogle at the booger in your nose. 

P.S.S. What do you want to bet I'll get a ton of "Google hits" and "p*rn spam" from this post...pervs.


middle child December 29, 2010 at 6:06 PM  

Um,..but could I pretend your looking at my boobs?

BECKY December 29, 2010 at 11:39 PM  

Oh Michelle! You had me cracking up on this one!! You are one hilarious writer!!

Cheryl D. December 29, 2010 at 11:51 PM  

I can relate to this. Have a daughter with autism has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm a bit on the spectrum myself. I have a hard time giving eye contact while composing my thoughts. My daughter does too, but hers is much more extreme!

loveable_homebody December 30, 2010 at 2:50 AM  

Thanks Michelle this was great. I still can't figure out if you really are a boob ogler or if your friends are just paranoid...

Mamma has spoken December 30, 2010 at 8:28 AM  

I try to keep eye contact when speaking to others but sometimes, it's just too hard. Mainly because my brain has a tendency to wander in long conversations.
Secretly, I do the same thing with boobs especially when they are those perky ones that stick straigh up and are firm. I know for me it's boob envy, I never had those kind, ever...

Leanne December 30, 2010 at 3:31 PM  

Lady M ... you crack me up!!!! SO SO Funny! No wonder you liked that snow(wo)man picture on my sisters blog of the snowman in a bra!!! Her neighbor might have need an explanation to find you standing on their lawn staring at their snowman!!!! HAAHAAA

Laura December 31, 2010 at 3:47 AM  

Hey Michelle - This is such a funny post!!! And regarding the snow-woman picture I posted on my blog (thanks for your comment, by the way) -- every time we drive by my husband says, "Gee, I wonder if they're real." So, here's the question: while you ogle, are you wondering if they're real? LOL!

Donna @ The House on the Corner January 2, 2011 at 9:45 AM  

It's a reflection of our society ~ not your mental state!

Rose January 25, 2011 at 11:38 AM  

cute post. it's difficult not to look at boobs esp. if someone wears a low cut top and flashes. if a woman ha extra boobs we might stare and wish we had them. take care rose

Green Monkey January 27, 2011 at 11:40 AM  

I think that's fascinating! I don't know why, but it is

Andrea February 3, 2011 at 9:53 PM  

ROTFL!!!! I am in this post!!!!! What a crazy on to be in!!! Rest assured to ever one I have never thought Michelle to be a perv...nor do I think everyone is looking at my "ample ta ta's" LOL OMG I am laughing so hard...

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