TMI about GYN

>> Thursday, August 26, 2010

My pelvic floor is pretty much shot, after 4 vaginal births, its seen better days. Being that I worked in an ob/gyn office I’ve seen what can happen when your pelvic floor gives out, it isn’t pretty. Let’s just say you sure in the hell don’t want to be sitting across from me when I sneeze, you could get impaled by my IUD.

Today I find myself sick, some junk I’m sure I picked up from our Doctors office. My 5 year old goes in for his last vaccinations before kindergarten and I walk out with some crud. It never fails, what is with parents taking their sick kids to the doctors, I mean if your kid is shivering in a blanket in the waiting room...put a dam mask on them or something…or leave them in the car…sheesh.

I am not a happy sick person (duh) because as you know moms don’t get sick days, my house is a dump and at this point I’d rather take a match to it then clean it. And how is it that you can’t suck air in through your nose but snot can drip out nonstop?  Do you have any idea what loads of herbal tea, constant hacking, and a week pelvic floor make? Damp underroos!

But the good news about my pelvic floor (Cause I know you are just dying to know) is that my fate is in my genes, no not the damp jeans I’m wearing now, buy my genetics. My grandmother gave birth to 8 kids and still has all her original hardware in its original place. Way to go grandma, and thank God we have IUD’s now a days!


The Ugly truth about my BFF...

>> Saturday, August 21, 2010

There is a reason my BFF has truly been my Best friend forever, since 5th grade. We call it the "first 5th grade" because we both got held back and had to do 5th grade twice, gives you an idea of what kind of friends we are. After 27 years of friendship she is still holding up her end of it and going strong, the following is a pretty typical conversation between us.

Me: (Licking Chili Cheese Fritos dust from my fingers) Tanya I am just so pissed at myself I can’t even stand it anymore, you have NO idea, I just can’t believe it!

Tanya: Really? What’d you do now?

Me: I don’t even want to talk about it...It's just too horid.

Tanya: Then what’d you call me for?

Me: OK OK ...well you know I got this super cute top last summer, and it like fit me really good and I’d get complements on it, you know like ‘wow that top is so cute, you’ve lost more weight’ and stuff like that.

Tanya: Yeah…

Me: Well I have it on right now and I look like a stuck PIG, like an pink over stuffed sausage, I’m so pissed, my gut is rolling over the top of my pants and this shirt has gotten so tight, it looks like I stuffed a tractor tier in there or something, its not a little muffin top it’s a fricking 3 layer cake!

Tanya: You must have shrunk it in the dryer.

Yup, She is a big fat liar...and THAT is what true friends are for…keep you in denial about the pounds that are creeping back on.  But the ugly truth is sitting right here on my lap...

The ugly truth!
A. The painful button mark from my pants as payback for having to hold up my fat ass all day.

B. what would be a cute beauty mark if it wasn't for all the ugly over shadowing it.

C. My belly button that is so deep I could lose a Lego man in it.

D.  Bottom and Top cake layers of flabby stretch marked belly fat.

E. Stark White frosting from years and years of lack of sun light.

F. Top layer of cake, sagging boobies (keeping it clean here so no booby shots and those are my finger tips so stop squinting at the screen boys)

So back to eating less and moving more...but Truth? I'd rather sit on my bum and eat some more icecream.   Its all my BFF's fault for leaving and moving 4 HOURS away, I don't know how its her fault ...but it is.


Thou shall not read…

>> Monday, August 16, 2010

Teachers will tell you that reading to your kids every day will help them learn and give them a love of reading. They jam it in your face every chance they get, teachers send home reading logs and books and truck loads of pamphlets on the benefits of reading.  Like a cult, at first they are kind and sweet about it, but next thing you know your going to burn on a stake for turning in a incomplete reading log.  (Sidenote: I agree kids should be reading, this is not a teacher bashing post, so don't click away Bossy Betty)

They also say it’s very important that your kids see you reading, by seeing you read they will want to read books just like their parents. Kids will love books if mommy loves books, that’s what they say. But they lie, all lies, lies.

I love to read; use to read all the time, every night it was me, tea, and book. I think that’s where my love of writing comes from. Even now I spend hours in the library and bring home as much as I can carry. I. love. books!

Did you know you can get books on Blogging at the Library? You can!

But my kids hate to see mommy reading, mommy reading means mommy’s not watching head stands or back flips off the couch. If I sit down with a book and a cup of coffee some alarm goes off in their little head and they need something from me, they are just dyeing of thrust, or they must get the bug out of their eye NOW. My daughter has been known to rip books from my hands and jump on the newspaper as I’m reading it.

 My husband has this same alarm in his head, but his needs are different from the kids, he will stare at me while I read in bed, or ask if I'll be reading for much longer.  So I've given it up.

Oh and the things they do to my books, it’s not pretty. They draw in them, spill drinks on them, rip pages out of them. What did a book ever do to my kids?  It's partly my fault for having books everywhere, cause I like to have them handy, so I. Can. Read.

The dog ate this parenting book, but I think my kids put him up to it.

This is my Bible; it was so hard not to tell my daughter she was going to hell for that one.

For now I’m down to reading only children’s books to my children, because that’s the only kind I’m aloud to read. Plus I fear the teachers will find out I’m not reading to them the suggested 20 mins a day and take my parenting card away.

What do you love to read, and how do you get away with it?


Just blame your mother...cause you know your kids will blame you.

>> Thursday, August 12, 2010

The way I picture it, Motherhood is a big, well executed curse, placed on us by our own mothers as payback for the hell we put her though.

It started back when we were very small and did little things, like rubbing our poop on the walls, mom would give us the evil eye then smile, so you barely notice the signs. Then, feeling stronger about our independence as a child, we cause a bit more trouble for our mom, like lighting the living room drapes on fire. Before you know it, mom is muttering chants under her breath and looking all wield eyed, hair standing on end.

And then it’s too late, after keeping her up all night waiting, you come home smelling like an ashtray with purple hickies on your neck. Mom starts screaming and waving her hands in the air, “I pray your kids put you through the same hell you’re putting me through… I thought you were dead… how dare you do this to me…just you wait one day you’ll understand! One day. One day you’ll get yours!”


While you’re crying in your room over being grounded until college, mom sits by candle light, holding your baby pictures in one hand and a large glass of wine in the other. With the complete power of the curse now unleashed, she knows all she has left to do is wait.

At first we as mothers are too stupid to figure out our fate, all goo goo in love with our sweet apple cheeked babies. Lack of sleep and adult contact keep us blind to what’s about to come. We get little clues here and there, like when mom drops by, sticks a sucker in the 12 month olds mouth, gives her a new puppy, and leaves.

When the curse starts having its hold over your life, your not sure what’s going on but you notice the signs: You find yourself saying the same things over and over. “Stop pushing your sister, Stop picking your nose, put your butt back in your pants, your making me crazy, we don’t use words like ‘ass cheese’ in this house, poop stays in the potty, don't make me beat you”.
Then strange things start to happen: Your bathroom floods after Buzz and Woody take swimming lesions in your toilet. You find your underwear all over the front yard attached to army men, after a game of paratrooper. Your “Personal sensual tingling” gel ends up on the neighbors cat.

You really know what’s going on when you call your mom crying because your teen keeps telling you your “overreacting” (a word he learned from grandma) to the dogs new Mohawk, and the cars new moon roof, to which your mother say. “Oh honey don’t be so hard on the kids, boys will be boys, you did crazy things when you were a kid and look how well you turned out.”

Yep, I’m sorry to say we have all been fooled. Motherhood is a curse and part of this curse is in the end, we turn into OUR MOTHERS!


I need to take off my shoes before I open my mouth

>> Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Have you ever asked someone a question, and then ask yourself why the hell did I just ask that? We all blurt things out and wish later we had said it better or not at all. It’s just not me right? Right.

I must have a taste for foot, because I’m doing that more and more lately. Some say it’s being “out spoken” I say it’s getting older and not caring so much about how others see me. Take me as I am or leave me as I am.  Fighting to be something I'm not just so others like me is a thing of the past. 

Like last week I was having a conversation with a friend, the conversation was going well until I felt the uncontrollable urge to ask him a question.    Being that this friend is gay he must know all things gay related.  I am after all an expert on all things woman, mother, wife....NOT.   True to form I blast the question and as the words where spilling from my mouth I was kicking myself in the butt.  

Me:  I've got a questions for ya, before I was married I dated like five different guys that are now gay.  What is with me that I attracted men that where confused sexually?   Do you think its cause I'm like a Tom boy or something? 

Friend: I don't know, I think its just chance, its not like you can turn someone gay or all gay men hide in the closet with the same kind of girl.

Yup, I felt like a dumb ass? I don’t know why I couldn't stop myself from asking him this burning question, I have no excuse. Like he’s going to know what my issues where that I went for men that where emotionally unavailable.  Poor guy, lucky he has a good sense of humor, but now he’ll never let me live that one down.

Maybe, just maybe, I just wanted him to tell me that I'm so fricking hot that any man, gay or straight, would want to be with me.   That's got to be it, right?  Right...RIGHT!

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? ~Fanny Brice


Blueberry fields forever…a blissful trip

>> Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I’m going to take you on a walk, to a place I love to go. Just though my moms backyard and down the deer path watch not to step on the wild flowers.

Past the tall grass and out of the shady wood, just wait as your eyes adjust and take in the fresh air. Its so quite here, only the occasional distant mooing of cows or a flock of crows bursting into flight, disturb the sound of the cool breeze.

Did you bring your bucket like I said, you can fill it as we walk.

 Don’t eat to many save some for a friend. See the farmer is fine if you glean, but please don’t get greedy.

Just up this hill, you’ll see my favorite part.

Do you know this snow cap peak…oh I know it well. Yes that is Mt Hood, let us sit and rest a spell.

Take in the lovely day, let the sun warm your face, if you are very still you can feel God in this place.

I hope you enjoyed this little walk, what a blessing to have you along.


SpongeBob is a great role model for kids!

>> Monday, August 2, 2010

I know a lot of parents don’t like Nickelodeon’s show SpongeBob Squarepants, but I think SpongeBob is very good role model for kids. I get that they use words like stupid, idiot, moron and barnacle head, they show their butts and use lots of good ol fart humor, they are basically clueless boneheads. Not exactly the things we want our kids emulating. Right?

SpongeBob can be a little miss-understood, look at it from another point of view. SpongeBob is always happy, in a good mood and positive. SpongeBob loves everyone;  is a loyal faithful friend to a fault. He has a great work ethic, and shows great pride in his crabby patties. And has there ever been a bigger lover of animals? SpongeBob also shows an undying adoration for his grumpy neighbor Squidward.

Now if watch the show you know Squidward would rather SpongeBob fall off the face of the earth, Squidward is highly annoyed by SpongeBob and his buddy Patrick. He treats poor SpongeBob and Patrick like crap, he is very clear that he can’t stand those two and belittles them every chance he can get,  Squidward is a big grumpy bully.

How do SpongeBob and Patrick handle this Bully? Ha! Now that’s the great part. They handle him with humor and wit…yeah I said it…Wit. It’s the best way to shut down a bully, bullying in school would be history, like a fart in a strong breeze, if kids these days would handle it more like these two. Seriously.

Think about it…some brat walks up to your kid in the hall and says something like…
“Hey Billy, you’re as dumb as a doorknob?”
And Billy says "Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets!" ~ SpongeBob

Don’t you agree that would stop that kid in his tracks…what can you say back to that?

Some examples of how SpongeBob and Patrick use their wit and humor to block verbal attracts.

Squidward: How dumb can you be Patrick?
Patrick: It varies.

Squidward: SpongeBob where you dropped on your head as a baby?
SpongeBob: How did you know!!

Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick:  Not until four.

I understand your kids are not going to have a writer to give them some good come backs, but SpongeBob can teach you kids how to use humor.  See a bully can't make fun of you if you can make fun of yourself better.  Its worked for my kids over the years, and so has SpongeBob. 
Watching SpongeBob has benefited my kid in many ways, just the other day my uncle thought he would give my 12 year old some crap.

Uncle: Wow Avery your smelling a little ripe, ever heard of deodorant?
Avery: That’s my Manly pit smell *lifts arms and sniffs pits*, Why cover this up with deodorant? I like my man smell, don’t you.

Now that I think about it maybe that’s not the best example of a benefit.

Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are...



Sunday Super Short

>> Sunday, August 1, 2010

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

            The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic. ~Henry Ward Beecher

  I'd rather be walking the Dog.~


thank you for reading

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